Winter That Year
by Yi Munyol
Translated from the Korean
by Brother Anthony
I
think the time has finally come when I can try to explain what happened that
winter, all those years ago. I'm well past thirty now, and I've got a family I
have to provide for; so every morning I go out to work, wearing a suit and
really looking quite respect?able. At last I have come to realize that all our
feelings need to be filtered over and over again, and that fine phrases
achieved by exaggera?tion, or mis?repres?ent?ation, are nothing at all to be
proud of.
It
was more than ten years ago. For a couple of months during the winter that year
I found myself working at a rural inn in a remote mountain village in the
northern part of Kyongs?ang Province, employed as a pang-wu. In the old
days, 'Pang-wu' was a boy's name, common enough among country-folk, but by that
time it was simply used as a nickname for any general handyman or dogsbody.
Needless
to say, I did not originally quit school and leave home just to go and work as
a pang-wu in that god-forsaken spot! When I first set out, I headed for
Kangwon Province, farther to the North, intending to get work in the coal mines
there. But in those days people were having a hard enough time earning a
living, and it was no easy matter for a nondescript scruff from nowhere, like
me, to find a job at all. In the end I only once got a chance to go down a mine
-- a private?ly-owned one; it was ap?palling. A private mine, well, it's... but
you can still find magazine articles about such places, so you can imagine what
things were like ten years ago! On my first day underground, I saw the
supporting wall of one gallery collapse on two men, burying them alive before
my very eyes! I was so hor?rified, I gave up the idea of becoming a miner, once
and for all. As a matter of fact, in one corner of my little travell?ing-bag I
was carrying a bottle with some pills that would have finished me off in a
couple of minutes, and intellectually I had always lived on what you might call
intimate terms with death. But I could not en?dure the idea of dying like that.
So I
headed southwards, until I came to a tiny fishing village out on the east
coast, where I had a vague idea of getting work on board a fishing boat. Again,
things didn't work out. I spent ten days hanging round the quayside; the
village men scraped a living by fishing close inshore on small narrow boats,
but not one of them so much as glanced at me. Once, I plucked up all my courage
and spoke to the pirate-faced owner of one anti?quated motor-boat, asking if he
had any work for me. But he began to mock me openly, observing first my pale
face, then my uncalloused hands:
'My!
What a fine family you must come from! You get straight back home to your
books, sonny. Why, you'd be bringing up your last new year's dinner before we
were a mile out from port!'
I
had no choice, I left there and headed blindly inland. I still remember the
bright autumn leaves and the deep blue of the sky above me as I went climbing
stubbornly over nameless hilltop passes. I walked for five whole days, taking
paths without knowing where I was or where they would lead, until at last I
reached that inn.
I
paid for my first night's stay there with the last of my money and, after
ordering wine and drinking until I was half-drunk, I fell asleep as if I had
not a care in the world. But when I woke up the next morning, everything looked
decidedly grim. Here I was, in an absolute?ly unfamiliar place, without a penny
to my name. There was no other solution: I asked the inn-keeper, who looked
kind-hearted enough, to help me find some sort of job in the neighbourhood, and
in the end he took me on himself. Not with any kind of regular pay, mind, just
board and lodgings, with expenses and a bit of pocket money. I ac?cepted,
because really I was in no position to say anything one way or another.
Thinking of the work I was going to have to do, I couldn't say I was being hard
done by.
Now,
if I seriously intend to get to the bottom of what happened to me that winter,
I shall have to ask what was going on in my mind between the moment when I
first left Seoul and my arrival at that place. The idea that I might be able to
work as a miner, or on a fishing boat for that matter, was really quite
ridiculous; yet such had been my inten?tion from the moment I first set out
from home. So I must admit that I was not being complete?ly rational, but that
does not mean that there is absolutely no explanation for the evolution of my
feelings.
As I
have already implied, there had certainly been no clear intellectual motivation
underlying my departure; it had been provoked mainly by a feeling of emptiness,
a kind of despair deriving from the fatigues and confusions of two years at
univer?sity, brought to a head by the death of a close friend. Every?thing had
got blown out of all proportion --
it seemed to me at times that life was asking me to make some kind of radical
decision: either hurl away its bitter cup, for example, or ignore the bitter?ness
and go on drinking from it. That kind of stuff. The idea of an ultimate radical
decision was excessively emotional, of course, but I can't help feeling that
the fact I was only twenty at the time excuses me at least in part.
Besides,
there was another, vaguely optimistic side of me which felt that the
difficulties I was going through were some?thing that everyone has to face once
in a lifetime; in that case, the confusion and fatigue would one day be
overcome. Once they were things of the past, they would turn into precious
youthful experience. Maybe even my idea of becoming a miner or fisherman should
be seen as an attempt to move in the direction of some such optimism. I had an
inkling that my dreadful confusion was the result of having been too long
dependent on empty specula?tion; at the same time, I was aware that the brain
achieves its best repose when the body is hard at work. My departure, then, was
no desperate plunge into some over-hasty conclusion about life, but rather the
recognition of a need to give my mind time to rest while I was sweating away at
hard work, so that after?wards I might be better equipped to find some kind of
clue to the real form my life should take.
I
suspect that another reason why I drove myself towards hard, rough work and
extreme situations should be sought in the delights of that kind of
self-torment that is so easily mistaken for self-dis?cipline. In other words,
if I drove myself as I did, perhaps it was not really from a wish to confront
life, but rather in the hope of finding an alibi, by maximalizing misery and
pain, that would absolve my past failings. Or did I intend to provoke a crisis
that would draw out my latent capabilities?
I
must confess, though, that I have had these thoughts only very recently; at the
time, I was completely dominated by a feeling of apathy and indifference. As
far as in me lay, I tried to avoid anything that might sollicit too much
attention from me, or provoke thoughts that I would find it hard to cope with.
There were moments when I used to let myself sink into a completely soporific
state of silence and inaction, suggestive of total imbecility. So I suppose it
was my apathy and indifference, rather than any urgent financial need, that
explain why I accepted so unresistingly that job as pang-wu in a village
tavern -- a job which, if we are
talking about degrada?tion, may seem like the ultimate in degrada?tion.
The
tavern I had landed in was almost too big for a small provincial town. It had
nine rooms in all, and normally served as an ordinary guest-house for
passers-by. There was a 'special' occasion, though, when it became something
else: a rural bordello with a girl on duty in every room! I'll tell you
about that in a minute.
My
main task every day was to ensure that the oil-lamps hanging in the nine rooms
would burn properly that night; I also had to make sure that the floors were
kept heated.
In
addition, I was supposed to sweep the courtyard, all two hundred square yards
of it, carry in drinks, take orders to the brew-house, and so on. In actual
fact, the yard was usually swept by the landlord himslef -- he was a bundle of
energy -- drinks were always carried up to the rooms by the six or seven
serving-girls, and one of the men employed at the inn knew the brew-house
family well, so that there was no need for me to go panting there and back.
Even
so, the work was very hard to begin with, and it took all my time. First, every
day the chimneys of the nine lamps had to be cleaned of a thick layer of soot;
it was just as arduous to trim the wicks so that they wouldn't smoke when they
were turned up to give a bright light in the rooms. It was equally no easy
matter to split the logs -- carted down from the nearby hills -- into firewood
to heat the floors of the nine rooms. On days when the logs brought down
weren't dry enough, finding good kindling was an extra worry and by the time I
had all nine fires going properly, burning dead pine needles to dry out the
damp wood, it was always past midnight.
Still,
there's a proper knack to everything, and before one month was past I had got
used to it all, indeed I was enjoying my work and had become quite proud of my
skills.
Those
lamps had burned late into the night, sometimes casting their brightness over
scenes of riotous merry-making, with all the intoxication, passion, and
emptiness that go with that, so by the time I had washed off the heavy layer of
soot with warm soapy water, then rinsed the chimneys in clear water, wiped them
dry and polished them bright with a cloth, I too would begin to feel cleaner
and brighter. When the moment came to light the wicks, carefully prepared so
that the flame would not crack the glass or smoke, the sight of the regular
flame burning inside the clean chimney gave me a feeling not unlike that an
artist derives from the completion of a laboriou?sly created work of art.
It
was the same with the heating of the rooms. In preparing the firewood, I was
never stingy or haphazard. Normally, every day I would choose six logs from the
pile brought down from the hills and dumped at one edge of the wide yard. Three
crooked and full of knots, three straight-grained and regular, ready to split
with a single blow of the hatchet; first I would saw them into lengths of about
fifteen inches, then, stripping to my shirt, I would begin to chop them into
firewood in the pale winter after?noon sunlight.
There
was a pleasure in splitting the straight-grained logs of red pine with a single
stroke of the axe, to be sure, but even now I cannot forget the intense
satisfaction that came from cleaving at one blow those roots of young pine
brushwood, all twisted and full of holes, after a careful scrutiny. But the
most impressive task of all was using that firewood to light the fires. I
wonder what I used to look like to people who saw me? Did anyone ever realize
that I felt as if I was celebrating a solemn ritual of fire-worship??
At
nightfall, after an early supper, once the lamps were lit in the nine rooms, I
would lay an armful of firewood by the fire-hole outside each of the rooms;
then I would set out on a pilgrim?age, visiting each shrine in turn, clasping
some sheets of news?paper and two large bottles.
One
bottle would be full of wine, the other of paraffin. The wine I used to take
from the big jar that was always kept brimming full in the kitchen -- my
employers were not very fussy about such things. The paraffin I used to buy
with some of the pocket money they provided, it was my solution to the endless
problem of getting the fires to catch.
By
the time I had completed the round of all nine hearths, both bottles were
usually empty. Likewise the pockets of my jacket, that I had stuffed full of
dried fish and other delica?cies from the kitchen to nibble as I drank. Then,
pleasantly mellow, I would go and lie down in the little room allotted to me.
Some?times, if I felt particularly cheerful, I might return to the kitchen and
knock back a few more glasses, but more often than not I would either fall
asleep at once, or lie there gazing absently at the reflec?tions of the flames
still dancing before my eyes.
To
tell the truth, if I ever have the chance I intend to study the teachings of
Zoroastrianism. There in front of my nine hearths each day I felt quite sure
that I was contemplating the shadows of the gods of the Fire-worshippers, the
god of Good and the god of Evil, despite the silence they kept. I witnessed
solemn rites of purification and sacrifice too, and as the flames spread then
died, I felt that some?thing was being brought back to life in me, rekindled. I
like to think that it was perhaps the fire's sacred powers that gave me the
inex?plicable sense of peace and content?ment I felt then, as I murmured, 'If
this is eternity, all will be well!'
Now
I must mention that 'special' occasion. The quiet country inn was suddenly
turned into a kisaeng-house, with nine private suites, at least half a
dozen girls, and dozens of visitors every day! All through the spring and
summer, the house had been almost totally empty, only occasionally welcoming a
chance visitor or two: a scribe from the mountain regions, or a newly-appointed
school-master who had not yet found lodgings of his own; but as the late autumn
winds began to blow, the place came alive.
First
the courtyard flower-beds, that had been left neglected since the summer, were
tidied up; then the shabby walls, the peeling corner-posts and main gateway were
refur?bished. Next the stained and tattered paper covering the lattice-work of
the sliding doors was all replaced, together with the wallpaper and floor-cover?ings.
Finally, rough curtains were draped across the peep-holes in the doors.
Once
all these renovations were complete, there were other prepara?tions to be made.
The landlord went as far as D. to fetch girls; his wife went to nearby A. to
purchase high-quality delicac?ies, things you wouldn't find even in the big
city kisaeng-houses. During the period in ques?tion, the inn was
completely closed to other guests. Once all the preparations were complete, we
opened our doors to a small group of privileged government offi?cials commonly
known as 'the inspectors'.
It
may seem odd, at first hearing, that the arrival of a handful of officials
should require so many rooms, and girls, to say nothing of a cartload of
high-class delicacies every week! I myself could not understand all the owners'
hustle and bustle when I first witnessed it, just after my arrival at the inn.
But then the inspectors arrived, and I soon began to understand. You see, these
officials were going to weigh and evaluate the quality of the leaf-tobacco
which was the area's main crop. The popula?tion of the place was upward of ten
thousand at that time, but the annual revenue was in the region of seven
hundred million Won or so. When you remember what things were like back ten
years ago, you will realize that the tobacco was a source of enormous wealth
for the whole area.
Now,
the decision as to the quality of the tobacco depended entirely on the
inspector's naked eye. Of course, I suppose there must have been some kind of
standards laid down to guide them, but you could not expect mechanical
precision. A margin of one or two points in either direction might depend on
the official's state of mind. And that margin could not really be guaranteed or
checked, there was no accoun?tability.
Yet
that couple of points could make all the difference to the farmers. It was
enough to make their crop either an enormous success with a big profit, or a
failure. The weighing, too, had its influence on the final profit. There was a
fixed norm, of course, but all the bundles of leaves were not absolutely the
same weight, so that allowan?ces had to be made which varied according to the
person doing the weighing. From what I heard, whether the inspec?tion was done
well or badly could make a difference of up to a hundred thousand Won to an
average family. When you remember that in those days a full year's tuition at a
private university only cost fifty thousand Won, wouldn't you have tried to
influence the outcome?
I am
sure things have changed now, but in those days the people living there had
basically two channels by which they might try to bribe the inspectors. One
involved the committee of the Tobacco Growers' Associa?tion, but that was often
ineffectual, there were too many delegates, the secret might easily become
public. The alternative method was both discreet and sure, involving as it did
only the landlord of the inn. That was the reason why his estab?lishment was so
full of high living during those special occasions.
I
still remember it all quite clearly: the daily drinking parties echoing with
the women's flirtatious laughter, and the sight of the government officials
besieged by obsequious farmers. Two of the inspectors, one A and a certain B,
lorded it like great emperors. Later, when I happened to find out how low down
on the administrative scale they really were, I was quite scandalized!
Still,
I hope the reader will not get me wrong. Certain?ly those men acted insolently
and arrogantly towards me, so that I nourish a real animosity towards them; but
what I am writing is not being written with the thought of bringing their past
misdeeds to light.
My
most unforgettable memories of that place are all con?nected with the girls.
They were lovely, but often they looked so wretched and lonely. They came from
various places.
The
landlord of the inn claimed to have found them through an employment agency at
D. but the girls all came from different regions and towns. If there was one
who came from an island in the south, another was from a remote mountain
village in the north; if there was one who had been driven off an American
base, another was a semi-intellectual dropout from a technical college.
In
all, about a dozen women came to work at the inn during the two months I spent
there. The life they led was superficially full of gaiety, but they inspired
pity at the same time. Early in the evening, when they were dressed in their
elegant billowing silk skirts and blouses, moving lightly like bright swallows,
wearing tasteful make-up, those girls looked really beautiful. When they were
moderately drunk, and excitedly deciding which popular song to sing, or bursting
into screams of laughter, I somehow felt that life could even be fun. When the
girl who was particularly popular with inspectors A and B began to pull out 500
Won notes from her blouse or slippers, thanks to the farmers' method of
indirect bribery, I would even go so far as to reflect that some jobs are not
so bad after all.
But
when I witnessed the insults that the girls had to take from insistent guests,
completely naked, or saw them lying unconscious after vomitting up the mixture
of drinks they had been forced to swallow, the only thing I felt then was pity.
It was always a challenge to see them when they came in late the next morning
after washing their faces. Their skin showed tints of blue or flushes of
scarlet, from all the drink and the cheap make-up they used.
None
of those girls ever ate any breakfast; then at lunch they would make do with a
bowl of noodles, or some rice mixed with veget?ables. And nobody would eat
anything at supper-time, either. I was appalled when I found out why. They
didn't eat, so that they could get through more of the expensive drinks and
delicacies in the guests' rooms later. It was a trick they had learned from the
harsh brothel-keepers of the cities, and it had stuck with them like an
unwritten law. It played havoc with their digestive systems, so that at times
they produced the most dreadful retching sounds.
I
remember one incident: there was a very young girl, called Miss Kim, who was
the current favorite of inspector A; one day we had just sat down to a late
lunch when inspector A suddenly called for her. She had mixed an appetizing
bowl of rice with vegetables and was about to take the first spoonful when the
message came. She put the spoon back in the bowl and went across to the
inspector's room.
Scarcely
ten minutes later she came back, her dress disheve?lled. She threw her spoon
down noisily onto the table, swore, "Son of a bitch!" and spat; her
eyes were full of tears. A few five-hundred Won notes were still peeking out of
the sweater pocket they had been stuffed into, as if to mock the kind of girl
she was. For some reason, I felt a pricking in my nose, my throat constricted,
and I put my spoon down.
One
of the women couldn't sleep at nights because her breasts were swelling; she
had been obliged to leave at home the baby she was nursing when she came to
work at the inn. Another went down to A. every Sunday to visit her husband in
the army. Then there was the girl who cried every night because she missed the
young brothers she had left behind with her step-mother. All those sad
memories... And there was a woman whose whole body was covered with whip-scars
and cigarette-burns, only she couldn't forget the man who had done it to her,
so that when she got drunk she would grab someone and pour out all her woes far
on into the night; the thought of that woman's infatuation still brings tears
to my eyes.
I
have other memories, too, of course. I remember how the local people, who had
come into big money thanks to the tobacco they grew in poor fields that had
previously been good for nothing but millet or maize, would spend money like
crazy, while good-for-nothing big-shots who had once been mere lumber-thieves
went swaggering around. I shall never forget how some spent all day playing
Mah-jong feverishly in back rooms. A few were so obsessed with scoring chen-pa-wan
and pen-chi-tung that when the police finally got them for illegal gam?bling,
they couldn't take their finger-prints because the tips of their fingers had
been polished smooth by the tiles! Then there was a group of unpaid resident
journalists who came flocking around like mosquit?oes, all the fantastical?ly-minded
members of the Jour?nalists' Association, local station-heads of big national
papers which in our town were lucky if they sold a hundred copies all told...
But that's enough of that. I'm in no position to blame or pity any of them; and
besides, this book isn't about them, either.
All
together, the first weeks of my life there were pleasant enough. The most
agreeable thing as far as I was con?cerned was the fact that I was earning my
living with my own two hands. True, I had sometimes supported myself before,
but that winter's sensation was a new and special experience for me.
What
made my life there even pleasanter was that nothing demanded too much attention
or provoked thoughts that I found hard to cope with. I admit I've painted a
pretty lively picture of the tobacco inspectors, the girls, and the farmers,
but in actual fact, it has taken an immense effort to bring them all back from
the dark corners of the distant past. Besides, at the period I am writing
about, they were only pale shadows flitting to and fro somewhere outside the
walls of my apathy and indiffer?ence.
Things
could not go on like that indefinitely, though, and before two months had
passed, I was beginning to hear two con?tradictory voices within me, both
trying to arouse me out of the kind of hibernation I had fallen into.
One
was sly and insinuating:
'You
left home and school as if you were setting out on some tremendous quest for
truth, and you've spent a couple of months wandering around looking solemn and
earnest. Now what? Have you got to the roots of that feeling of emptiness and
despair that you said kept pursuing you? Have you advanced even one step in the
direction of that so-called 'decision' you kept insisting that you wanted to
make? Aren't you just masking your cowardice and indecision under some kind of
superficial self-torment? Isn't this life you're enjoying so much merely
running away, aren't you putting things off?...'
While
the other voice would murmur in melancholy tones:
'It
may be that your decision to leave home was courag?eous and justified. You
rejected all the ready-made values that the world accepts, and you set out
because you wanted to find and verify for yourself another set of principles.
But surely you're wasting your youth and your talents here in this crazy dump?
Don't you realize that at this very moment you're being overtaken by a whole
lot of kids, all smarter and nimbler than you are?...'
I
first heard those voices one morning on waking early with a burning thrist
provoked by the previous night's excessive drink?ing, and they grew sharper as
the days went by.
Previous
to that, for some time past two people had already been compelling me to think
about moving on from there.
One
was a newly-arrived girl, Miss Yun. She was placid enough to look at, and when
she had a moment she used to scribble the words of popular songs into a thick
notebook she kept; but she was all the time pestering me with her incredible fanta?sies:
'You're
a poet, Pang-wu, aren't you? I know all about you. You used to live in a big
city, didn't you? You went to univer?sity, too, didn't you? I know all about
you. It may not look like it, but I used to have a lover just like you. But
we've broken up now, it was better for both of us, we loved each other too
much.'
That
was usually how it went; and that simple-looking girl, who seemed just right
for pop-song lyrics, was for ever pestering me. Sometimes she would go
rummaging through my bag while I was out. At other times, escaping from a
guest's room, she would follow me while I was lighting the fires. If I said
nothing, she would get angry, claiming that I was insulting her. But if I was
foolish enough to respond, her unbridled imagination would go leaping higher
than ever: 'Your father's the head of a big company, isn't he? The girl you loved died of leucemia,
didn't she?' She used to drive me almost crazy.
The
other problem was the deputy head of the police, with his thick chin and
protruding eyes. For some reason or other, he began to take an intense interest
in me, after first noticing me one day during a chance visit to the inn. He was
an incomparable nuisance. Somehow he conviced himself that I was a desperate
criminal and that I had done something serious enough to earn him a
long-overdue promotion. I was called to the police-station several times, and
it was so intolerable that in the end I produced my student identity-card. But
that only fired his enthusiasm. How many student demonstrations had I been
involved in? What anti-government organizations was I part of? Wasn't I
connected with the XX Party that was currently going through the courts?... It
was infuriating.
So I
decided to leave that place. One morning, as the frost sparkled on the branches
of the persimmon tree next-door, I took a brief farewell of my employer at the
inn, nobody else, and walked briskly out of the town.
There
is only one other thing to mention in my recollections of that spot, and that
is my strange parting from Miss Yun. I had already gone a couple of miles when
I heard a voice calling me from behind. It was Miss Yun, who had somehow
learned of my departure. She came running up panting, and I am sure she would
have flung her arms around me if I had not deliberately adopted a hostile
expression. Abruptly holding out something wrapped in pretty paper, she said:
'It's
a handkerchief. I had it all ready for you. I knew you'd be leaving soon.'
She
paused, then added in a sad voice:
'That
man wasn't really a poet. He was a swindler, he beat me up and took all my
money. I did so want to love a poet. Will you remember me for a long, long
time?'
For
some reason, as she spoke the girl's eyes were moist, and that was the only
time I felt that her eyes did not look stupid. When I think about it now, I
rather wonder if she was not a poet herself.
It
was already deep mid-winter. After covering almost five miles, I reached a
crossroads where the road leading inland met another leading to the sea. Oddly
enough, I chose the road leading seawards, although I was not born near the
sea, there had never been any special event in my life to link me with it, and
this time I had no practical reason for going there, no thought of working on a
boat; I simply chose the road that lay in the opposite direction to home.
I
still have a notebook kept from those days, and there I find I wrote that the
sea was calling me. With almost no trace of artifice or exaggera?tion, I wrote
that the sea had been beckoning to me and tempting me for a long time past. I
suppose that the inner voice I was hearing then was the radical one that had
been insisting I should make a decision. Clearly, I obeyed that voice; I made
up my mind that the sea would be the place where I would finally decide whether
to cast away the bitter cup or persevere in drinking it. Of course, underly?ing
that decision is the fact that I had just turned twenty. Frankly speaking, is
there any folly you are not ready to commit at that age?
Anyway,
I duly turned towards the sea, which lay about twenty-five miles away as the
crow flies. But since I would be obliged to make a long detour round the rugged
peaks of Mount Taebaek, the distance I had to cover was in fact almost fifty
miles. That was a stiff four days' journey with my flat feet, but I stubbornly
set out to walk the whole way.
I
advanced at first with a heavy heart. The road I was on would not have made
anyone happy, and I remember a kind of ominous premoni?tion, a tragic feeling
that I might never return.
Once
I reached the first wayside inn, though, that mood quickly vanished. Instead, I
was soon absorbed in childish delight at the thought of being on my way to
somewhere unknown, tipsy from the wine I had drunk to make up for breakfast,
which I had skipped in order to set off more quickly. The road winding its
unending way around nameless slopes, the stark branches of the roadside poplar
trees where the pale winter sky seemed to dangle, the crisp odour of petrol
borne in the clouds of dust stirred up whenever a vehicle passed... after a
while I began to murmur those lines in which Virgil once praised the joys of
travel: if I had been free to choose my own destiny, it would have been a life
in the saddle....
All
that day, I was truly a Happy Wanderer! As soon as the winter breezes cleared
my head of the effects of wine, I would stop and carelessly take another drink
at some tavern or roadside store; and whenever I found the view particularly
attractive, I would sit down and rest until the sweat cooled and my whole body
began to shiver.
Other
travellers, and with the cold we were all walking briskly, became good
companions along the way. Responding to their various attitudes and
expressions, I cheered them along, showing sympathy, or admiration.
When
I was overtaken by a local man belonging to an opposi?tion party that had never
held power, I became a student expelled for leading demonstrations. I touched
his heart with talk of things I had heard the previous year, and delighted him
with a denunciation of the government's scandalous agricultural policies
remembered from some militant article I had read. He told me about his own
lofty political ambitions and added that he was called Park Yukmun (six
talents), a name not easily forgotten; when he asked my name I at once gave him
that of a well-known student leader. It was rather embarassing when he
earnestly invited me to spend a night at his house, as we were about to part.
Meeting
up with a yokel as tipsy as I was, I became a fighter straight out of the backstreets of Seoul. I overawed him by mentioning
a few of the big names of that milieu, then gained his respect by recounting
various celebrated fights that I had either witnessed or been directly involved
in. I was greatly helped by an outdated thriller I had once read. Still, I was
lucky that dumb-looking lout didn't propose a sparring match then and there!
Next
I met up with an elder from a country church, a sober farmer in his fifties who
didn't give me time to speak a word, he was so busy denouncing the Demon Drink.
I also walked a mile or so with a young factory girl on her way home for the
lunar New Year. She told me she was a clerk in a city office, but I could see
at a glance how poor and weary she was. If she couldn't find a good husband on
this visit home, our next encounter might well be in a bar in some red-light area.
There
was a teacher from a local school on his way to do his turn as night-guard, and
we drank a bottle of soju together. And an old cattle-merchant who
proudly displayed the lighter his son had brought back from Vietnam. All in
all, it was a very merry journey. I sometimes almost forgot why I was walking
along that road.
I
had not the slightest feeling of melancholy by the time night fell and I
arrived in a village up on the spur of a hill with a little church perched
above it.
In
such an out-of-the-way spot I was not expecting a hoary castle with a feudal
lord on the look-out for a passing minstrel, or a princess ready to take my
hand in hers. I had got used to plain food and fatigue in the course of my
recent months' wander?ings, and my feelings were likewise atuned to solitude
and twilight.
As I
expected, there was no inn there. What did that matter? If you prowled around
that kind of village long enough of an evening, you could always be sure of
coming across a house with lights burning and a murmur of voices issuing from
it, where a group of young villagers would be busy making ropes out of straw,
or playing cards. There you had no problem getting a place to sleep. Other?wise,
you could always apply to the village head, who was given a couple of bushels
of rice a year for welcoming passing travellers.
Supposing
neither of those solutions worked, you could use the village hall or the
meeting room belonging to the 4H Associa?tion. They were usually marvellously
unheated, but at a pinch they did offer a place to curl up in for a night's
rest, at least.
Otherwise,
so long as you had your identity-card with you, you could sleep snugly in one
of the reservists' guard-posts, found at frequent intervals in that area. There
was therefore generally no need to go around knocking on peoples' doors begging
to pay for a place to sleep.
So
it turned out that evening. After I had eaten a leisurely supper in a little
roadside store, I strolled around the village; it was not long before the guard
at a checkpoint chal?lenged me, and the problem of my night's lodgings was
settled.
Once
they had checked my identity-card, the young combat-police?man and the two
village lads on guard-duty with him proved very hospitable. They invited me to
share a drink with them, and gave me the warmest spot on the floor to lie on;
except for the lice I felt crawling in my underclothes the next day, I can say
I received nothing but kindness there.
The
second morning, despite having a sore head and a stomach burning from the
previous day's mixture of drinks, I still felt just as merry; after the
combat-policeman had treated me to breakfast and a hair of the dog at his
boarding-house, I duly set off. The day before, I had only covered about
fifteen miles, yet my feet were already beginning to blister. They were not
particularly painful, but I rubbed the inside of my walking-shoes with soap,
following some advice I had heard once. I hurried along, still glancing
indifferently at the buses that stirred up the dust as they passed. If it
hadn't been for the second encounter of the day, I reckon the whole journey
would have been most agreeable, at least until I reached the sea.
For
some reason, I disliked the fellow from the very second I set eyes on him, with
his pale consumptive face and over-long untidy black hair. I didn't really
believe him when he said that he had been convalescing from TB in his native
village for the last few years. Of course, I ought to have noticed at once his
neat white hands and the big pen-mark on his middle finger. I suppose the
fiasco I endured that day was equally due to my mind's not being properly awake
and clear after the previous night's drinking.
I
took a moment to size him up, then repeated my antics of the day before.
Feeling that he had a certain intellectual or specula?tive air about him, I
became a Seeker after Truth. I began to lay it on, talking of God and Man, of
morality and values, the world and exis?tence. Sure enough, an expression of
admira?tion soon appeared on that fellow's face, the same as I had seen on the
faces of my companions the previous day. I duly continued with increased
enthusiasm.
But
as the minutes passed, his expression showed less and less interest. He
listened in silence until I had finished, but for the last few moments before
our ways parted, his expres?sion was clearly one of utter contempt and
derision.
Seeing
this change come over him, and seized by an inex?plicable irritation, I became
more and more feverish. By the end, in a kind of frenzy, I was going on about
books chosen at random, works that I had never been able to understand, simply
repeating what I had read in commentaries about them.
Yet
I was obliged to part from him without having being able to bring back that
initial expression of admiration, and the crushing proof of how utterly I had
failed came when we were already nearly fifty yards apart; from beyond the
corner he had just turned I heard the most peculiar kind of scream. I went
rushing fearfully in that
direction. But it had not been a scream. It had been the sound of the
laughter he had been bottling up for far too long, exploding mingled with a
hacking cough it provoked. There the man was, leaning against a small rocky
outcrop, doubled over, laughing and coughing at the same time, so that he was
nearly fainting. There were traces of blood on his lips and hands.
'Forgive
me, ha, ha, I can't help ha, ha, laughing... ha, ha... Thank you so much ha,
ha, for your lecture on basic philo?sophy, ha, but you ha... haven't understood
Hei... Heidegger and you've obviously never ha, ha, read any of... ha, the
ordinary language philosophers but... ha, ha, ha...'
That
was what he painfully gasped out, once he had recog?nized me. Frankly, I felt
strongly inclined to murder him on the spot. How can I tell you just how
wretched I felt? An acrobat falling off a tightrope could not have felt more
miserable. Ten years later, I still blush to think of it. My grudge against
Heidegger and the Oxford philosophers of ordinary language dates from that
incident; I have never been able to read them.
I
walked on, plunged in gloom for the rest of the day. The wind suddenly seemed
icier, keener, the sky loomed heavy and dark. As my wandering grew lonelier,
increasingly the sea became real and concrete. One glance, and that fellow had
known me for what I was.
At
university, I had desperately admired the myths of the older students, but
could never comprehend their ideology. What first fascinated me was not their
iron will or strong convic?tions, but their magnificent memories of past
victories. Then, when I saw them broken and negated by a power they could not
resist, I gave them up them without regret, taking nothing with me but a few
scraps of abstract ideology and an exaggerated feeling of resent?ment.
It
had been the same with the cultural and aesthetic circles I then began to
frequent. Was I really in pursuit of the essence of Beauty? No. It was all a
sham; drunk with the applause that had greeted the odd poem read at a candlelit
'Literary Evening,' or a few short essays published in scruffy private
magazines, I was hoping to enjoy an even greater spurious reputation in the
future.
I
read at least a thousand books then, certainly, but can that be called a Quest
for Truth? Was I really aflame with the splendor of the pure Idea? No. I was
inspired with adolescent vanity when I read them, it was all for a table in a
student bar, for a cup of coffee in a coffee-shop, sitting opposite some silly
girl, nothing more.
Yet
I dared to say, "Ideology has betrayed me, beauty has rejected my
approaches, studies have brought me nothing." In short, I denied all
values before I had any basis for judgement, and gave far too much importance
to a groundless sense of despair and futility. In the end I merely made a mess
of everything, sinking more and more into intoxica?tion and sheer abandon.
On I
trudged, so absorbed in these nagging thoughts that I quite forgot I ought to
eat something, or might stop for a drink. Changes in the surrounding landscape
no longer touched me. Various voyagers overtook me, it was as if I did not see
them. Perhaps those unpleasant thoughts are also to blame if my first encounter
with that man, who was to make such a deep impression on me, left me so
unmoved.
It
was late in the afternoon, and I was walking along a road beside a stream.
Suddenly my eye was caught by a thread of smoke rising from a bonfire burning
by the stream. Someone seemed to be hard at work beside the fire polishing
something. I approached ab?sent-mindedly, and saw it was an old man sharpening
a knife on a whetstone. Beside him lay a wooden box with shoulder-straps to
carry it by; the lid was open and I could see knives of various sizes neatly
arranged along the sides. By the fire he had laid out a variety of whetstones
and a small grindstone.
I
had approched a few steps nearer, when the old man lifted his head to examine
the blade of the knife he was sharpen?ing. He looked old, but was not as old as
I had at first thought. The blade shone pale. The knife looked like an ordinary
kitchen knife, but it was narrower than normal in the middle and more sharply
pointed at the tip. After intently examining the blade, he shot a sudden look
at me as I drew near. It was only a passing glance, but it was as if an icy
dart had pierced my breast. There was something uncommon?ly malicious and
bloodthirsty about both the knife in his hand and his deeply wrinkled face.
Quickly
regaining control of myself, I glanced again towards the old man, who was once
more absorbed in his task. I saw nothing but a common-or-garden knife-grinder.
And the new knife he had taken out to grind was just an ordinary, slightly
rusty kitchen-knife of the kind you often see. My sudden curiosity had brought
me to a halt; now, embarrassed, I quickly withdrew.
It
was only after I had gone a couple more miles that I realized what had
intrigued me: up in the mountains, practically every household has its own
whet-stones, so that there was no need for a professional knife-grinder;
besides, why light a fire at a cold stream-side and grind knives with water
drawn from under broken ice? But I had no chance to think more about all that.
Night was coming on, and I could see the village of Y. wrapped in its evening
smoke waiting for me. I was very tired.
What
a truly awful nightfall! It was as sad as the sleepless first night of my not
very auspicious marriage, spent in a cheap hotel room trying to comfort my
sobbing bride. Why did that town of Y., that I reached with a weary body and
heavy heart, look so desolate? It was the most sizeable settlement in the area,
but there was not a single light to be seen. It was not quite dark yet, but in
the streets hardly a soul was moving. All you could hear was the sound of the
wind moaning in the telegraph lines, there was not even a dog barking.
I
was as tired as could be, and although I had no money to spare, I looked around
for an inn. But I went down even the narrowest alleys without being able to
find one anywhere. So I decided I would eat something first, and went back
towards a tiny Chinese restaurant I had noticed. I was thinking of taking a
quick bite there, then asking where I might find a room for the night.
I
was just lifting the dusty curtain of the restaurant to go in, when I heard
someone call out my name behind me: 'Yonghun! It is Yonghun, isn't it?'
Astonished,
I turned round and saw a young woman standing in the misty twilight, but at
first I did not recognize her. She was coming nearer to take a closer look, as
if she could not believe her own eyes. It seemed most unlikely that anybody in
that region could know me, but instictively I did the same.
'It is
you! Thank goodness I called out! I didn't think it could really be you!'
She
recognized me first; then I saw who she was, and ex?claimed,
'But
what are you doing here, Big Sis?'
'A
school teacher goes where she's sent. What about you? What are you doing
here?'
'Me?
Well... I...'
'Let's
go home first. Why, it's snowing, isn't it?'
Indeed,
it had begun to snow. It had not only been my low spirits that had made the sky
look so low and dark all afternoon!
As
we made our way to her rented room, I tried to recall my memories of this
long-forgotten girl I had learned to call 'Big Sis'. I am not really sure how
closely related we were, we were some kind of cousins, with her the elder by
several years; and my first, clearest memory of her dates from an autumn day
many years before. I was still attending primary school in my native village,
she had gone away to attend middle school in nearby B.. I think it was a
Saturday after?noon, and I had stayed behind late at school to play. I met her
by chance; she must have been on her way back home for the weekend, I suppose,
and we walked the rest of the way together.
I
have no idea if she was particularly fond of me, we were only distantly
related, after all, but she took me by the hand, and as we were walking along
she stopped to weave a little garland of cosmos and wild flowers. But when she
held the garland out to me, smiling sweetly, for some strange reason I was
seized by a feeling of utter panic. I took a step backwards, turned my back on
her, and ran off as fast as I could. It was only when I grew up that I realized
it was her beauty which had frightened me
I
also recall that later on, when she was at university and I had taken a year
off after finishing middle school, I often used to visit her to borrow books,
she had so many that interest?ed me. Then, when I was in upper grade of high
school, I heard rumours that she was involved in an unhappy love affair. I was
struggling past eighteen at the time; that was the last news I heard, and I had
almost forgotten her.
According
to the rumours, she had ruined her life by falling in love with a man who
already had a wife and family. The rela?tives who transmitted this gossip had
seemed to be all the more shocked because she had been through university, and
was very pretty.
'It's
incredible! How come you're living here, Big Sis?'
Overcome
with emotion, I repeated my question as we reached the gateway into the simple
house in which she had rented a room.
'I
studied in college, so I became a school teacher; I became a school teacher, so
I have to go wherever the Board of Education sends me. So why shouldn't I be
here?'
She
spoke lightly, and yet I seemed to detect darker under?tones to her voice.
'You
go in and rest while I get supper ready. My room-mate isn't back from her
holidays yet.'
It
was a large neat room, better than it looked from the outside. Oddly enough, it
was divided into two distinct halves without there being any visible partition.
On one side there was a metal filing-cabinet and a low writing-table, on the
other a chest of drawers and a desk with a chair. The books were different,
too. Above the low writing-table was a three-tier bookshelf crammed full of
collected works and volumes of essays, while on the higher desk a few
specialized books lay strewn. Stuck inside one of the books was a red biro, as
if someone had just been reading it.
'Which
side is yours?'
I
could guess, but I took the precaution of asking, nonethe?less.
'The
side with the chest of drawers, but I expect the other side will be warmer,'
she shouted back from the kitchen. She must have been boiling rice on a wood
fire, for I could hear the crackle of dry pine branches.
I
sat leaning against the wall close to the chest of drawers. The floor was warm
there too, and as my frozen body began to thaw I was overcome with an
irresistible drowziness so that I longed to sleep.
'Hey!
Wake up and eat first! You can sleep later.'
The
light was on and the meal was set out on a little table. I must have dozed off
without realizing it.
After
she had cleared away the table she said, 'You need a wash. Your face anyway,
and you smell awful. There's no bathroom here, you'll have to wash in the
kitchen. I've heated some water for you. Come on, you can't expect anything
more in a place like this.' After the meal I was feeling drowsy again, but I
duly got up and went out to the kitchen. I had just finished my sketchy wash
when she pushed in some men's underclothes. They were clean, but not new. I
took them, although I did not really feel like putting them on. She seemed to
read my thoughts, because from behind the door I heard her say,
'He
doesn't come any more. I don't need them.'
There
were echoes of past tragedies in the way she spoke. To spare her recalling any more
painful memories, I rapidly pulled on the clothes she had given me.
'I've
left your clothes hanging outside. They seem to be full of lice. For goodness
sake, what's the matter with you? Are you a tramp or someth?ing?'
'I'm
hitch-hiking around, it's a way of spending my winter vacation.'
'That's
not true! I've heard how worried everyone is about you.'
She
seemed to have heard rumours about me, too.
'So
what's going on, then? They say you're on the bottle, as well.'
'Is
that an offer?'
'I'll
give you a drink, if that's what you want. But tell me, aren't you going to go
back home?'
As
she spoke, she pulled open a drawer and took out a bottle of scotch, half-full.
Seeing me looking suspicious, she smiled sadly,
'He
left this behind, too. But he won't be finishing the bottle.'
'You've
split up?'
'For
good, maybe.'
As
the alcohol took effect, I suddenly asked her,
'Was
he a good man?'
'Very.'
'You
couldn't have got married?'
'It's
strange, you don't blame me like everyone else. Yes, we could have got
married.'
'Why
didn't you, then?'
'His
wife died...'
'All
the more reason...'
'She
killed herself.'
'...'
'He
took his two little girls and went abroad. They left last autumn. Pour me a
drink, will you?'
She
sipped her drink, seeming to savour it. Feeling dazed, I ventured another
question.
'So
what are you going to do now?'
'Certainly
not follow some ridiculous tramp's life like you!'
'Then
why did you come here?'
'I
volunteered. I wanted to be somewhere quiet where I could do some reading. But
I'm going back in the spring next year. I want to do a master's degree, I've
already chosen my area.'
'...'
'I'm
going to study ethics.'
'Are
you really alright?'
'You
mean because study never helped anyone?'
She
gazed at me for a while with thoughtful eyes.
'You
think I'm running away too, don't you?'
'No,
but...'
'Don't
worry. Despair is the fiercest passion, and the purest, too. People get unhappy
because they don't really despair. Like you.'
'...'
'Go
back to school. Go back, you're only twenty years old!'
'That's
what I intend to do.'
'Go
back and read more, think more. That's the only way to reach true despair
without having to experience all the pain I've been through.'
Our
conversation was slow and often interrupted; by this time the bottle was empty
and her cool rational approach to life had begun to crumble. I have heard since
that she is now a university teacher, but that evening she had not yet
completely freed herself from the pos?sibility that her life might end
miserably.
When
I came back from the next-door store with another bottle, there were traces of
tears in the corners of her eyes. At the sight of them, a sadistic streak awoke
deep within me.
'You've
been crying, haven't you?'
Drinking
wildly, I shot out the question.
'It's
a woman's privilege.'
She
replied in feeble voice, and suddenly looked much older. Unable to contain
myself, I spoke violently again.
'You
ought to get married, Big Sis.'
'Really?'
'And
have five children.'
'Really?'
'And
get old early.'
'Really?'
'And
die when the time comes.'
'Really?'
After
that, it got messy. I have the impression we sat there sobbing together between
glasses, and I recall singing a mournful song with her, too. Finally, we both
passed out on the bare floor. But what am I doing, telling you all these
depressing things?
I
woke around midday.
'What
snow! Come outside and look! It must be a foot deep!'
She
had got up and had been tidying the room; she seemed to have regained complete
control of herself, her voice and face were back to their normal tranquillity.
'You
can't think of leaving today. With the state of the roads around here, buses
can't get through when it snows at all. And this is a real blizzard!'
I
was spooning soup into my parched mouth as she spoke in a wheedling voice.
Through the sliding door I could see the snow falling thickly. Suddenly it felt
very snug and cozy there indoors. But I stubbornly began to prepare my
departure.
'I'm
walking anyway so... I'll be off now.'
'You're
weird! What's forcing you to leave like this? Have you got a date with the sea,
or something?'
I
could feel a real sisterly affection and concern in her reproaches, but I was
leaving all the same.
'It's
eight miles from here to the pass, and then another eight after. That means
that if you set out now, you'll probably be forced to spend the night out in
the hills. You'll be killing yourself for sheer spite.'
Finally
resigned, she saw me off as far as the edge of the village before turning back.
Everything
was blanketed with snow. The steep slopes and rugged peaks for which the region
is famed, the poor fields, the hamlets along the roadside, the old white
poplars and the tar-blackened telegraph-poles... everything seemed stunted and
abandoned, buried under thick layers of snow. And more was still falling
steadily. My swollen feet were hurting but I hurried on. I was anxious to get
across Ch'angsu Pass before nightfall.
The
houses soon vanished far behind me, and I was alone in a remote snow-filled
world. The snow kept falling. That night, I wrote:
Was
it a fool's enthusiasm, or youthful madness? I rushed on over mountain, fields
and hillsides, up to my knees in snow. I walked all afternoon, without getting
more than eight miles from Y., and here I am in Changp'?ung, the village at the
foot of Ch'angsu Pass. I had supper with the village head, a kind enough
fellow, and now I am lying in the community house. I'm having a hard time with
my blis?tered feet, and my whole body is aching.
But...
I have nothing left. Neither the conviction that all this physical suffering
will do me good spiritual?ly, nor the intuition that the sea ahead is waiting
for me with a revelation. I am rushing on as my heart dictates. I wonder just
how deep this winter's roots go...
It
was still snowing when I awoke the next morning. At the local store, while I
was forcing myself to eat some breakfast, I heard on the radio that it was the
heaviest snowfall for thirty years.
The
price of the meal was absolutely outrageous, but I felt much better after it. I
had not been drinking the night before, so every?thing tasted good. Before
setting out, I bought some straw ropes and made straps for my bag so I could
carry it slung on my back. Then I wrapped strips of rubber around my lower legs
to serve as leggings.
The
snow was now nearly two feet deep, and still falling. Walking was the only way
of getting about and the village folk seemed to consider my departure extremely
reckless, the woman at the store told me bluntly to take care not to freeze to
death. But I couldn't have cared less.
Luckily,
the snow stopped soon after I left the village and I went ploughing on,
plunging in beyond my knees. The road was invisible, and I had to rely on the
poplar trees growing along it to guide me. In no time at all my shoes and
trousers were soaked, and my upper clothing was damp, so that my body steamed
in the warmer air that followed the snowstorm. After covering a mile or so, I
saw the heights of Ch'angsu Pass towering ahead, blocking my path like some
invincible giant.
Those
things which make the strongest impressions remain longest in the memory, and
that first sight of Ch'angsu Pass still remains vividly etched in my mind. Yet
the memory can very easily distort or exaggerate the facts. Therefore, rather
than risk trusting my memories, I prefer to transcribe the jottings I scrib?bled
down at the time in my note-book. The sentences are loose, the conclusions
over-hasty, the whole mood is one of intense agitation. But that makes it all
the closer to the truth...
Ch'angsu
Pass, more than two thousand feet above sea-level!
I have seen the very essence of
beauty! I think I shall never forget the three hours' climb I have just
completed. I shall never again feel those same emotions, on any mountain,
anywhere in the world. If there exists a perfec?tion of beauty that we can
attain, I have just witnessed it here. Oh, all was great because beautiful,
sublime because beauti?ful, sacred because beautiful...
I shall never forget the
splendour of that snow-decked peak, the mystery of the pale blue shadows
filling the valleys below; or the heart-rending beauty of the pines, with their
branches broken by the piled-up snow. I shall not forget the unyielding,
stately oaks, as the melting snow on their branches glistened in the sun?light,
or the elegance of the larch trees' delicate branches decked with white
blossoms of snow, recalling a young bride in her wedding-veil. Even the haughty
junipers stood reduced and humbled.
The pathetic beauty, too, of the
layers of arrow-root and cotton-creeper in the valleys, darkly veiling timid
ash-trees and old oak-stumps, or the fragile tips of azalea bushes and bleached
mountain grass just peeping above the snow.
As I crossed the ridge, thickly
studded with decades-old bushes, I was seized with a sudden sense of awe. The
thin black stems of the leafless shrubs stood out in stark contrast against the
dazzling white of the snow. What human hand could ever produce such beauty, I
wondered, uniquely composed in black and white, gorgeous yet not vulgar, aloof
without being grim.
By now the sky was completely
cloudless, and every?thing lay bathed in a brilliant sunlight. The winter sky
shone paler and therefore clearer, deeper; the distant heights of the T'aebaek
Range reared beneath their covering of snow, far more majestic than any of the
world's most celebrated peaks.
The wild birds in their flight,
the winds that came blowing, all seemed to shun and avoid that place, and I
moved on alone, scarcely daring to breathe, through an eternal cosmic harmony
with its tones of absolute stillness. Because of my blisters, I was obliged to
walk barefoot most of the time, but felt almost no pain, so over?whelmed I was
by the marvellous spectacle around me.
By the time I arrived at the foot
of the pass, I was nearly weeping. I felt a kind of ecstasy, an ecstasy I think
nobody could have understood. I had seen the essence of beauty. No matter what
the spe?cialists of aesthetic theory say, what I experienced up there was no
mere perception of beauty, but a direct knowledge of it.
Beauty is the beginning and end
of all values, the sum total of all concepts and at the same time an utter
void. We may say things are true because they are beautiful, or beautiful
because they are true.
Things may be called good because
they are beauti?ful, or beautiful because they are good; holy because beauti?ful,
or beautiful because holy... Yet in itself the Beautiful is nothing. But it
opens onto all values, and makes possible the use of all concepts; such is the
true greatness of the Beautiful!
All my travels were uniquely for
this moment.
Yet
before I had even left the mountain slopes behind, my emotion had changed to
darkest despair!
In
all my wanderings, one of the things I had always felt about my future life was
that it would have an artistic aspect -- would have something to do with the
creation of beauty. No matter what I might say, beauty was the value that to
the very end I hesitated to pass judgement on.
Now,
though, following that intense emotion, I suddenly became aware of another
aspect of the beauty that had so impressed me: its divine dimension, its utter
perfection, that must ever remain essen?tially unattainable by human beings. I
realized that anything we humans, short-lived dwarfs as we are, could achieve
as creation would never be more than a grotesque imitation, despite all our
efforts. In which case, the life I had envisaged would merely be a hopeless
struggle to attain the unattainable. It seemed to me intolerably stupid and
reckless to want to go on living such a life.
I
was suddenly overcome with fatigue, utterly exhausted. I had covered little
more than eight miles, but had been walking across the mountain non-stop for
more than three hours, all the time wading through two feet of snow, so that,
with the accumu?lated fatigue of the previous days, I was about ready to drop
in my tracks. Besides, having walked most of the way without shoes, my feet
were numb with cold. Even the little travelling-bag on my back seemed to weigh
a ton.
I
gave up all thought of further progress that day, left the hillside track, and
entered the first little store I came to. I longed to rest, thaw my frozen
feet, and eat something warm. I was glad to find that the snug dining room was
completely empty.
I
had just finished eating the bowl of noodles I ordered for my lunch, when the
door opened and a man came in. It was the old knife-grinder I had seen beside
the stream two days before! The remains of snow on his damp trousers, and his
soggy shoes, showed clearly that he too had come over the mountain through the
snow.
I
don't know why, I was pleased to see him, and I gave him a nod of recognition.
He ignored me completely, ordered a bottle of soju and a bowl of
noodles, then let himself flop back flat on the floor, with his feet hanging
out through the door. It was an insult, but oddly enough I didn't feel angry.
Deciding not to try to address him again, I observed him quietly.
I
had been wrong to think he was old. Despite his unkempt beard and deeply
wrinkled face, he didn't really look more than about fifty. It must have been
his grizzled hair that had made me take him too quickly for an old man.
He
never once glanced in my direction but remained lying there, half-dozing,
gazing up vacantly towards the ceiling. When the food arrived, he ate and drank
silently, sitting in the doorway. He corked the remaining half of the bottle of
soju with a wad of plastic, put it in his box together with a few
packets of dried noodles he purchased there, and left as he had come, without
saying a word.
For
a moment his unexpected appearance distracted me, but I soon forgot him again.
I was still crushed by the beauty I had seen on Ch'angsu Pass, and the
hopelessness of attaining it. I felt like a professional gambler who has just
lost his last card, gloomy and wretched. What now could fill my life's cup?
No
doubt it was that melancholy frame of mind that made me want to drink. I called
the landlord, who had been scowling into the room from time to time, and
ordered a bottle of soju. I had not eaten anything much, so although I
nibbled a few dried fish the drink went straight to my head. Before I had half
emptied the bottle, the pain in my feet was wiped clean away and forgot?ten. By
the time the bottle was empty I was quite merry.
At
least my gloomy feelings had to some extent evaporat?ed, so I ordered another
bottle. Once I get drunk, I'm always afraid of sobering up, even now, and it
must have been worse then. I gave in to the charms of drinking for drinking's
sake. My main mistake, though, lay in what happened next.
I
was just finishing the second bottle when I was suddenly struck with a wild
surmise: the knife-grinder was on his way to the sea, just as I was! Perhaps
the alcohol was to blame, but that idea turned into a firm conviction, and at
the same time I was seized with a sudden impatience. I felt that if he reached
the sea before me, there would be no point in my going there!
Under
the pressure of that idea, I drained the bottle and left the inn. I had reached
a point where I was no longer con?scious of pain or fatigue. The short-lived
winter day's sun was already low on the horizon and the icicles hanging along
the edges of the thatched roofs on the roadside cottages looked like bright
crystals shining in the pale sunlight.
I
did not get far, though. In the second village after the inn I met up with a
merry band of lads of about my own age. Some five or six in all, they were
coming down from hunting rabbits, that were unable to run fast in the deep
snow; one of the two they had caught was still alive and struggling.
Was
it the alcohol I had drunk, or was it the thought of ap?proaching twilight? I
joined the group on the spot. Perhaps I promised to pay for my share of the
drinks at the party they planned to have; anyway, they gladly counted me in.
The
party took place that evening in the building of the 4H Association. But the
rabbit meat was not so good as I had anti?cipated, and the two big bottles of soju
I provided, coming on top of all I had already drunk, meant that I did not see
the end of the evening. I survived the general presentations and the first few
rounds of drinks, then I passed out.
Early
the next morning, I was torn from a deep sleep by the bitter cold. The room had
been well heated with several armfuls of wood at the start of the evening, but
now it was cold as an ice-box. And what a draught, with the icy wind blowing
relent?lessly through the holes in the tattered paper door!
There
were a few traces left of the evening's party, but none of the lads with whom I
had been celebrating was there. It was a little after four in the morning. I
looked around the dimly-lit room to see if I could find anything to ward off
the merciless cold, but there was not so much as an old sack. I thought of
asking for a room in a house in the village, but not a light could be seen
anywhere. There was a certain glimmer coming from the snow, the outlines of
things could be discerned roughly, but the early winter dawn was still too dim
for me to take to the road. Some snow I thoughtlessly swallowed to quench my
thirst only chilled me more, so I went back indoors where I was forced to fight
against the fierce cold unaided.
At
that moment, what I felt in my shivering was less the bitter?ness of the cold
than a horror of dying. As if driven by a practical necessity, I wrote out a
last message with fingers I kept blowing on to thaw. That ridiculous document
is no longer in my possession, but I still recall some of the rather pathetic
expressions it contained.
It
was addressed to a childhood friend. After writing 'In case something
happens,' I explained that although death had been my close companion
during the last few months, it had been there only as one possible alterna?tive,
and not at all in this present form. Even if I had played recklessly with false
ideas, I felt sure that the darkness in which I had been wandering had been
that which precedes the dawn, and that at present I was already standing in the
new day's first glow. I reminded him how much I had loved the world and life
itself in days gone by.
In
view of all that, I think I must have tried to make it clear that my death was
not in any way a suicide. People always have such distorted ideas about that
unhappy form of death. Even when someone chooses suicide for quite valid
reasons, people would rather trust their own vulgar interpretations than the
tedious explanations advanced by the dead person himself. And since he is not
there to make any reply, their rash conjectures remain without response. I
could hardly expect it to be any different in my case, and there was nothing to
prevent people from giving an exaggerated significance to my demise... I
suppose I must have been driven by thoughts such as these.
I
asked my friend to destroy everything that I had written over the last year,
and to repay my friends all the debts con?tracted in the course of various
drunken escapades. I included some details about the debts in question, and
concluded by asking him and his Teresa to pray for me.
Day
was breaking by the time I had completed that long, wordy, pointless letter.
Storing it carefully deep in my bag, I plucked up all my courage and left the
building.
It
was still not sufficiently light for me to set off, but there was light enough
to find my way around. It had started to snow again. Not the previous day's big
drifting snow-flakes, but steady snow driven by an icy wind. The only good
thing was that I would not have to fight against the wind as I walked.
My
first intention had been to warm myself up and get something to eat in the
village before setting off, but the entire place showed no signs of waking out
of its deep sleep. So I resolved to leave and hope to find something better in
the next village along the way.
I
went out into a strange, alien world, where the only sign of life was the sound
of the wind sighing through the bare branches of the trees along the roadside.
The fields, now more deeply covered than ever by the new snow, lay like a vast
empty sea. The line of trees alone indicated the road, which was other?wise
simply a white river of snow. Yet strange?ly enough, someone had been there
before me, leaving a trail of footprints down the middle of the river. But
those prints only at?tracted my attention for a moment, on account of the
terrible cold that was driving me almost out of my mind.
As
soon as I left the village, I began to run, and went on running. More than
anything else, I had to shake off that in?tolerable cold. Normally I would have
lit a fire with dead branches and twigs, but since everything was buried under
two feet of snow, all I could do was run. Running was necessary too, in order
to reach the next village as quickly as possible.
Luckily,
since the snow had frozen during the night, I no longer sank in up to my knees
as on the previous day. After a while, my body began to loose something of its
stiffness, and my breath steamed white.
As
soon as the cold vanished, though, I began to feel unbearably hungry. Not that
simple hunger you feel in the stomach, but the kind of hunger that racks your
whole body. I began to regret bitterly my last three days' negligence in not
eating properly. In particular, the day before I had taken almost no solid food
at all except breakfast. At last, unable to bear it any longer, I stopped,
gasping, and swallowed a handful of snow. I felt a momentary aching pain,
nothing more, then it brought back all the cold I had so painfully rid myself
of.
I
started to run again. Now feeling seriously threaten?ed, I summoned up all my
strength to run faster. The trees along the edge of the road rushed past me, as
if I were in a speeding train. I felt I was flying, whereas in actual fact my
pace was slowing and my feet were beginning to drag. I was later to realize
that the eternity I thought I had covered as I ran that morning was little more
than a mile in all.
Gradually,
though, the sensations of cold and hunger left me, as my consciousness began to
waver, and I felt an almost irresis?tible desire to sleep. Deep snowdrifts
beckoned like plump cushions, several times I felt an urge to collapse into an
eternal sleep. I was no longer capable of distinguishing where the road lay.
There was nothing to be seen but a vast sea of snow, and I kept going by sheer
instinct.
I
don't know how long I went on like that; suddenly I vaguely heard a voice
shouting: 'Hey!
hey! That's not the road! This way!'
I
looked around, abruptly jerked out of my trance. At some point I had left the
road and gone plunging off across the fields.
'This
way! This way!'
Again
I heard someone calling. I squinted towards where the voice was coming from.
First I made out the wavering flames of a small fire. Then I saw a hovel that
had probably been used as a daytime shelter the previous summer. Finally I made
out the vague silhouette of a man. I came a little to my senses. Summoning up
all my remaining strength, I went running in that direc?tion. To my astonish?ment,
I found the knife-grinder sitting there.
'It's
madness in weather like this!'
He
spoke quietly, at the same time making a rough cushion for me to sit on with
some of the dried millet-stalks he was burning in his fire, and I collapsed
forward onto it, almost embracing the flames.
'Watch
out! You'll scorch your hair!'
His
voice was firmer now, and as he warned me he put out a hand to restrain me. But
my mind was in no state to register the sense of his words. Seized by a new
attack of cold, I sucked in the heat of the fire as someone thirsty might gulp
down water.
'Pull
your legs back! Your clothes are on fire!'
There
was obvious irritation in his tone now, as he brushed at the bottoms of my
trousers that had caught in the flames.
'First,
something to eat.'
When
I had recovered my wits sufficiently, he took a fire-blackened pan from the
wooden box he always carried with him. He arranged a rough hearth at one edge
of the fire and, after throwing several handfuls of snow into the pan, he began
to feed the flames. He added more snow, until the pan was half full, then he
took a packet of dried noodles from the box and broke them into the boiling
water.
It
was not until I had drained the last drop in the pan that I really came to
myself. The man had been watching me all the time I was eating.
'Thank
you very much.'
I
felt a little ashamed at not having said anything before.
'You'll
have to pay for the noodles,' he said, his voice quiet again. Flurried, I took
my few remaining five-hundred Won notes from a pocket and held them towards
him.
'Just
one, and that's too much,' he said, taking one note from those I was holding
out. He stuffed it into his pocket, then handed me four hundred Won in change.
There was a kind of dignity in his at?titude, that would brook no contradiction.
'And
what made you set out so early in this snow?'
I
was busy licking peeling skin off the roof of my mouth, the result of eating
the boiling noodles too quickly, when he casually shot out his question. I
remained perplexed for a moment. Would this knife-grinder be capable of
understanding why I was heading for the sea? But at the same time I felt that I
must not lie to him. Trying to be as frank and simple as I could, I told him
where I was going and why.
'I
guessed as much. People only do crazy things for crazy reasons. If you'd been a
fishmonger on his way to buy fish, you'd never have set out so early in weather
like this.'
Then,
with an expression half way between a scornful smile and a real smile, he went
on,
'It
looks as though you and I are going to do exactly opposite things down there.'
He
seemed to have grasped my real intentions despite the rather confused
explanations I had offered him. But his words troubled me strangely.
'So
you're going to Taejin as well?'
'That's
the harbour nearest here.'
'What
do you mean, do the opposite?'
'It
looks as though I'm going there to kill and you to die.'
He
spoke without the least hesitation, while I suddenly shud?dered. I asked
stupidly,
'Who...?'
He
looked at me sharply for a few seconds. There was some?thing inquisitorial in
his gaze. Then he smiled, a smile darker than before, an odd smile that might
have been expressing scorn at himself or contempt of me.
'The
charm of trust lies in its possibility of betrayal. But after all, you owe me
your life, don't you?'
'What?'
'I
mean, I want to trust you. I want to tell you my story.'
I
was still confused, trying to understand his words, when he suddenly asked,
'How old do you think I am?'
'Umm...
about fifty, I'd say...'
'That's
exactly ten years older than I am. It's all on account of the nineteen years
that bastard got me.'
'What
do you mean?'
'Let
me tell you about those nineteen years.'
Once
again he seemed to hesitate, then made up his mind and began his story, in a
low, thoughtful voice, a kind of monologue:
'In
those days we dreamed dreams, big, dangerous dreams called liberty or equality.
It's an age when people dream, but we were worse than most. We bought acetic
acid and glycerine to mimeograph leaflets with. And we kept our knives sharp.
Apart from our leader, we were all about twenty.'
'...'
'Then
one more artful woke up before the rest of us. He reported us while we were
still giddy dreaming. The one who killed himself just before he was arrested
was the luckiest of us all, I reckon. We were all ar?rested, tortured, and
tried. Our leader was sentenced to death, I and one other got life. The other
two got ten and fifteen years.'
'...'
'It
was the time of the War. The only reason we survived at all was because there
was absolutely nothing linking us with the North.'
His
words chilled me with horror.
'It
was our hatred for the one who betrayed us that kept us going through the
endless years we suffered in prison. We had been much more deeply hurt by that
betrayal of trust than by the shattering of our dreams or the collapse of our
ideals. We swore revenge. And there was this knife to remind us of our vow. One
of us made it, he learned to use a lathe in prison.'
He
drew a knife out of his box. I recognized it as the one he had been sharpening
when I came across him the first day, up beside the stream.
'The
first of us had his sentence reduced. When he came out at the end of seven
years he had this knife hidden in his coat. It was no easy job trying to find
the traitor. At first he tried sincerely enough, but his sentence had been
relatively short, and that helped his reinsertion. Soon he had a job, savings,
a wife and child?ren.'
'...'
'After
eleven years, the second came out, also thanks to a reduced sentence. By then,
the first had settled down. He very humbly excused himself, and passed the
knife to the second.'
'...'
'It
was no different with the second. Less than two years after his release, he
came to visit us and said that he wanted to leave the knife to someone else.
Those of us still inside spat on him.'
'...'
'At
last, the third of us was freed. But we had no chance to pass him the knife,
because he was sick, so they let him go although his sentence was life, the
same as mine. He died almost at once.'
'...'
'So
finally, when my sentence was commuted after nineteen years, the knife passed
to me. That was last March. And I was not like the rest. For a forty-year-old ex-politico who gets out after
rotting inside for nineteen years, reinsertion is almost out of the question. I
pursued the traitor with more determina?tion than my com?rades. This
knife-grinding trade didn't just offer the possibil?ity of carrying the knife
around legally, it allowed me to earn a living as well. And at last I'm within
reach of the bastard.'
'You
mean, he's in Taejin?'
'That's
it. From what I hear, things didn't go too well for him either. At first he got
a few favours from the police for having shopped us, but then they dropped him
because he was taking bribes. After that he had a hard time of it. It seems
that for the last few months he's been working out there on a fishing boat.'
He
fell silent for a while, then scrutinizing me carefully, he asked, 'So don't
you want to turn me in?'
His
mysterious smile had come back again. Then he fell silent, as if he regretted
having spoken so freely, and he didn't say another word until the time came for
us to part. The snow had stopped and it was broad day-light when we left the
shelter. We walked almost eight miles together in silence, then parted at a
fork in the road with the town already in view.
'You
come down on your own. It's better they don't see you with me. Just in case
there are problems later.'
He
left me with those words, spoken in the same emotion?less voice I had heard
when we first met, and went walking firmly ahead. I didn't even say good-bye,
and absently watched him go.
Now
we have reached the last chapter in my narrative of the events of the winter
that year.
It
was about two in the afternoon when I entered Taejin, it was sleeting. I had
stopped a couple of hours at a small village to rest and dry my clothes.
I
hear that nowadays Taejin has developed into something of a seaside resort, but
in those days it was an insignificant little harbour, where nothing ever
happened except perhaps in summer. The unfrequented wintery port made me think
of a haunted island. The last few miles were anything but smooth, too. This is
what I scribbled in my note-book that day, on a page stained by the falling
sleet:
Sea! I have come. Why were your
calls so insis?tant?
These last few days, you have
summoned me in many forms, called me in a host of different voices. I have seen
you in the lowering sky, in the flying snowflakes. I have heard your voice in
the howling north wind and in the sad sobbing of the trees along the road. Your
call was all round me, in sleep, and dreams, and drunkenness.
Therefore I have come to you like
this. Nothing could block my way, not the blizzard, the worst for thirty years,
not the lofty moun?tains without a single proper road. These eighty miles
racing through frost and snow have not been too arduous, I did not give up,
although my feet are blistered and my face is on fire.
The last few miles before I
reached you were the worst. The empty road, exposed on all sides, was whipped
by biting sleet-filled winds. The snowflak?es falling on my cheeks and neck
melted instantly into icy water that ran down over my bare skin. My frozen
shoes grew soggy from the slush along the road. My damp hair froze stiff and
tugged at my scalp. But I still kept running, like a faithful dog obeying its
master's call.
Now tell me. Tell me why you are
calling me. I am listen?ing.
For
a long while I remained standing silently in front of the sea. Strong winds
were pushing endless waves towards the shore, where they slammed against the
rocks and clawed at the sandy beach. I was wrapped in a kind of mist, where the
drifting milky spray and the snowfla?kes dropping from the dark sky above
mingled.
I
still remember it all. The frenzied sea, the dark sky blending with the waves,
the solitary seagulls soaring with their dying cries. And the sudden
realization of my own miserable insignificance.
I
wonder now whether the silence I had fallen into was not another of my vague
raptures. And whether in that rapture I was not expecting some kind of
communication with the sea. As if I was hoping for ?the reply to a question I
had in fact long since resolved, but which on my own I could not lay to rest, a
question that may seem absurd now, but at the time was desperate?ly impor?tant
to me: should I throw away the cup, or persevere in draining it?
Yet
the sea seemed only intent on emitting roars I could not under?stand. 'Answer!
Answer!' I went down to the water's edge, as if insisting. The dying waves
carressed my frozen feet with a sort of gentle warmth, then, as the warmth
reached my knees, stronger waves sent me reeling.
I
stood there for a time, struggling to keep my footing, and gazed at the
writhing of the ever darker sky, the ever wilder sea, as I strained my ears. A
little way off, a few grey gulls had settled on the back of the tossing waves,
and were resting weary wings.
I
closed my eyes. It was as if a faint ray of light was slowly rising from the
very depths of my consciousness. I had the impres?sion that the sea's mystery
was about to reach out and touch me, speak words that would at last bring all
my wanderings to a happy con?clusion.
I
waited for it to become clearer and more distinct.
A
long moment passed. But finally my eyes were forced open by a violent blow
against my thighs and the thunder of an enormous wave striking the nearby
rocks. And just at that moment a tiny event occurred on the edge of my
still-blurred vision. Unless it was an illusion? A tiny grey gull floating not
far off was suddenly over?whelmed by the unfurling surf of a mount?ainous wave.
The
bird flapped its wings once, sank, and did not reappear. Even in the state I
was in, I prayed and prayed that it would come back up, but there was no sign
of it. Then I was sent staggering, as the reflux from the huge wave that had
engulfed the bird suddenly crashed twice, thrice, against my back.
From
that moment, my body seemed to be entirely domina?ted by instinct. Despite the
seduction of the sea's apparent warmth, I strained every muscle to get back
onto the shore. That momentary exposure to danger had set me ablaze with sudden
new vitali?ty.
It
was an intense, but equally a sad and melancholy flame. For it showed me a true
image of myself, as small and weary as that gull the waves had swallowed. There
I saw my own wretched exis?tence, buffetted by great waves of absur?dity and
despair. Then suddenly the roaring of the sea became meaningless, its frenzy
nothing more than the empty motion of an inanimate object.
I'm going back home. It's time to
finish this too serious game. The sea has turned out to be nothing more than a
fraud, like all the other things sent to mislead us. Can anything offer us
salvation, when God himself has given up all idea of saving us?
But still the gulls must fly and
life must go on. If a gull gives up flying, it is no longer a gull; if a person
gives up trying to go on, he is no longer a person. The cup that each receives
has to be taken and drained. Despair is not the end but the real beginning of
exis?tence...
Those
are the last lines I noted that day, and they too are marked by stains of
sleet. But despite that unexpectedly resolute con?clusion, I was unable to
overcome an inexplicable feeling of desponden?cy, of grief even, that went with
it. No matter how level-headed and rational you are, an experience of despair
demands more of you. I know I stayed for a long time leaning against a rock
there on the beach, weeping.
Truth
to tell, my despair was not yet complete enough to become the starting-point of
a new life, but certainly the despair I ex?perienced there at the edge of the
sea afforded me an invalu?able sense of freedom.
If
there are no absolute, objective values that can guide us, our salvation lies
in our own hands alone. Our lives are not in the control of any external
powers, they necessarily receive their seal of approval and their fullness from
what we ourselves decide.
In
that sense, my cousin back in Y. had been right. Despair is the purest and most
powerful of human passions, and in it lies our salva?tion. That discovery was
determining for my life in the years that followed. For I chose beauty as my
absolute value, on account of what I had ex?perienced at Ch'angsu Pass.
Now
I am reflecting. A truly artistic temperament builds on an absolute despair
concerning beauty. What makes the great?ness of the artist is not the creation
of beauty, but the fact of taking up the challenge and suffering, while knowing
in advance that creation of beauty is impossible. The same is true of this
story... In the end, if it is found to possess any value, it will not be
because of my imper?fect portrayal of that winter's beauty and authenticity,
but on account of all the nights of weari?ness and pain I have endured while
writing, knowing perfect?ly well that my task was an impossi?ble one.
I
had more or less regained control of my mysterious grief and despondency when
the knife-grinder reappeared. Despite the noise of the waves and the wind, I
gradually became aware of someone nearby. I looked around and saw him on the
other side of the rock I was leaning against. How long had he been there? I
couldn't tell.
I
noticed that he looked different, wretched and worn out. The wooden box he had
been carrying lay now at his feet, like a defeated warrior's abandoned armour.
He seemed deeply absorbed in private thought?s, as he stared blankly towards
the sea.
He
had not noticed my presence. Seized abruptly with a strange feeling of sorrow,
I drew near.
He
did not move, though I was only a few steps away. I stood still for a moment,
afraid somehow of disturbing him. He was still lost in his thoughts, unaware of
my presence, but finally he turned, not towards me but towards the box lying
there. Stooping, he rummaged for something in it, and drew out the knife I had
seen that morning. He stared at it for a few moments, then, as if suddenly
making up his mind, he hurled it with all his might towards the sea. The knife
curved through a long arc, and disap?peared in the waves.
'What
are you doing?' I blurted out, feeling strangely shaken and somehow, at the
same time, disappointed. He suddenly seemed to ack?nowledge my presence, and
gazed at me sadly for a few seconds, before replying with a sigh,
'Throwing
away an illusion I've been carrying around for too long.'
His
response made me understand why he was looking so crushed and miserable. He had
lost the only thing that had mattered to him -- his tenacious hatred.
'The
bastard was living in a half-ruined hut, with a sick wife and two kids covered
in boils. The kids were crying with hunger and the wife was dying. I reckoned
it was more of a punishment to let him go on living.'
He
smiled mournfully. And I knew he was lying, at least the last part. I knew it
intuitively, at the sight of that melancholy smile.
'The
bastard begged me to kill him, but I refused.'
Hearing
those words, that sounded like another excuse, I suddenly wanted to ask the
real reasons for his forgiveness. But another, even stronger impulse, took hold
of me. Leaving him where he was, I ran to the bag I had left lying on the other
side of the rock. I pulled out the letter written the day before and the bottle
of poison I had been carrying around for the last six months, and contemplated
them for a few seconds, just as he had stared at his knife.
Slowly
he approached me and began silently to observe my move?ments. I wonder if the
time had really come or not? Anyway, I wrapped the bottle in the letter and
hurled them with all my strength into the sea. They flew in a curve, were
swallowed up, and vanished.
'What
did you throw away?' he asked in a strange voice.
'Sentimentality.
And my knowledge, it was rotten before it was ripe.'
A
few years later I came across him one day by chance in a small town. He was
earning a living drawing pictures with a red-hot iron on wooden boards. It must
have been something he'd learned to do in prison. His shop was not very big,
but judging by the steady stream of customers, things must have been going well
enough for him. I should also mention that he had a pretty young wife with him,
and a one year-old son.
Yet
strangely enough I have absolutely no memory of how we parted back there on the
beach.
The
next day, I was in a train on my way to Seoul. It was a fine bright afternoon
in late winter. As the train was passing through a peach orchard, I noticed
that the tips of the branches were already touched with red, a sure sign that
when spring came the blossom would be more than usually splendid.